How did we get here?

I hate BET...I swear, that one channel will ultimately be the downfall of Black people. And for what? I was watching 106 and Park the other day, not by choice I assure you. And this video came on...what's this? The stanky leg? WTF? And I think to myself when will the ignorant ghettoness end? Who keeps raising THAT glass ceiling? Whoever it is should be shot. Seriously. It seems like every year ignorance increases. And you have to ask yourself: How did we get here? When I saw we, I mean, black people. Historically...how did we get here? I don't understand it. We come from a long line of hardworking, history makers. Who, by the way, are probably turning over in their graves, every time BET airs the "New Joint of the Week". FOOLISHNESS! WE did not come from foolishness, but rather greatness. Why is it that WE keep prepetuating the stereotype? Why can't we want better for ourselves. I realize it's not everyone that behaves foolishly...but you know what they say! A few bad apples spoils the whole bunch. It just frustrates me. How can our history be so meaningful but our present be meaningless?

And why is it still cool to wear your pants so low that your show your Spongebob boxes? And this has not only become true for the young black men but young black women too! These lesbians I swear. And I can talk about them because I live with one. FOOLISHNESS!!! Why would you want to walk out of the house like that? Pants hanging below your ass? Super baggy clothes? And for what? Because you like other women? No...I'm sorry that is not a valid excuse. Ok. I get it! You don't want to dress feminine. I get that. But why does it have to sloppy? You look unkempt. As if you don't live in a $300K home. I'm saying. Look at Ellen Degeneres! She's a lesbian! She doesn't dress extra feminine and yet still identifies as the man in the relationship. Why can't you? It's really a shame. Why would you want to present yourself to the world in such a manner? You think that "this is the way I am and the world should just accept me!" No...no we don't have to accept you. As a matter of a fact, we have EVERY right to shun you and not give you a job. Yes, soley on the way you present yourself.

I can't take it. What has the world come to? Pure foolishness...I can't comply. More to come...

Expectations & Disappointment

So, I was at Quiznos this afternoon reading my new book and there was a passage that says if you don't have expectations you can't be disappointed. Interesting concept, right? But then it got me thinking...Am I not supposed to expect things of people? Am I supposed to just accept the okie doke? My expectations are high...for everyone. Regardless of the fact that they meet them, exceed them or fall short of them. Just because someone refuses to meet the expectations you've set doesn't mean that you should stop setting them. Maybe one day they'll get it and decide to do better. I can't just let people in my life who won't even try to meet the bar. So, here's my advice: If you don't have expectations for people then, you get what you pay for. I think that by expecting certain things/behaviors it teaches others a thing or two. For instance, if a friend says they will call you back and they don't, repeatedly, not just a one time offense...then what? They are deemed a liar, right? Not a true friend, right? People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That's what expectations are! It's what you will and will not accept. I'd much rather have people disappoint me. That may sound weird but it's true. If they disappoint me time and time again I don't need them in my life. Thus, the need for expectations.

I don't care what my book says, I'll keep my expectations. Thanks.

Don't Make ME Look Bad

I have a serious problem with women, especially black women, who come to the office looking a mess. From head to toe. I mean, we all have our off days but that should not be everday. I think that as a woman in corporate America you have to look the part. And as a black woman you have to look even better. You can't walk in the office looking any kind of way. No. I work with a woman who, everyday, comes into the office as if she had given no thought to her outfit. NONE! And she has even admitted that she doesn't care what she wears to work because there's no one to impress. Ok...pause. No one to impress? And she wonders why they don't let her out of the office very often. Your appearance is important. Not only do the outfits defy every fashion rule, they are not age appropriate. You are in your 20's madame not your 50's. My grandmother wouldn't even wear half the stuff she wears. As a black woman in corporate America you have to be that much better. You have to take it a step further than your white counterparts. And why would you want to come out of the house looking a mess? Why? Please explain it to me. What you put on your body is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself and how you want people to view you. So, if you decide (no offense) to wear your hair natural. Cool. But don't walk around looking like Kizzy from "Roots". I, for one, am not a fan of the natural do but who am I to judge?? All I ask is that you don't make me look bad. When one of us looks a mess "we" all look a mess. So, do better. I too am a bargain shopper. But don't buy something just because it's $4.99. Buy it because it's cute and works for you. Just because it comes in your size does not mean you should buy it. Make purchases that flatter your body and not items that make you look frumpy or older than you are. I believe that if you want to move up the corporate ladder you have to dress the part. It's really that simple.

Why Women Love Assholes

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with one of my best friends/future husband (lol) in which he asked me to teach him how to be an asshole. At first I laughed and didn't understand where he was coming from. Then, he explained. He said that every woman he knew is or has been involved with a man who could only be described by one word: asshole. Meaning, he mistreated and/or disrespected the woman in all sorts of ways. And despite the treatment these women still went back for more. In fact, this behavior seemed to make them want him more. And you say, "Why?" He said that he couldn't understand why women did this. This conversation got me thinking. So I said to myself, "Self, am I too guilty of this behavior? Have I had men in my life who did not live up to the standards I thought I had set?"And I had to answer, to both questions, unequivocally, "Yes." I have been guilty of allowing a man to mistreat me. I have been guilty of allowing a man to decide what I deserve. And I wish I could say that it was many many years ago and I've since learned from my mistake. I can't speak for anyone else, but if you agree feel free to chime in, but I personally think that I allowed this behavior because I did not realize my own worth. I didn't realize that I deserve the best. So, I would venture to say that most women feel this way. We settle for less than we deserve because we don't know what we want and therefore can't know what to look for. So, here's my question: when does this vicious cycle stop? I think that as women, we are so afraid of being alone and therefore lower our standards to just accept anything. Ladies, we deserve the best and I don't think that we should continue to be afraid to ask for it. If you want a man to respect you don't let him say or do anything he wants to you. No. That is no longer acceptable.

For me, my main issue has been...WAIT! Before I go into that let me put a disclaimer out there. My issue, while it may be a popular issue among women my age, I am only speaking for myself and am in no way blaming every man for this issue. Here we go...My main issue has been that I have never had a positive male role model in my life growing up. Not to mention, my mom...well...I digress that's for another blog at another time. There was no man in my life to show me (not just tell me) how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Everything I know about men, I've learned myself and often times the hard way. There was no one to show me that a man is supposed to open doors, pull out your chair, help you with your coat and open your car door. I didn't see that...I know NOW that's the way it's supposed to be and I'm still waiting for the man that knows it too. Chivlary is not dead it's just absent, in most men.

We live and we learn people. That's all I can really say. Know what you want and don't be afraid to ask for it. If you meet a guy and he seems too good to be true...he probably is. And if he's telling you everything you want to hear. He's probably lying. Not to say that there aren't amazing guys out there because I'm sure there are, but they are few and far between. If you find him, send him my way. Ladies, ask the hard questions and, most of all, keep your pants on. If anything, that's what I've learned from my past experiences. I can no longer comply with foolishness. If you aren't willing to be the man I need you to be...Good Day Sir! No hard feelings, I just can't have someone in my life who isn't good for me, good to me and has my best interests at heart.

I can be the woman you need but not the girl you're looking for. So, I wish you the best of luck ;-) I will no longer seek but be sought. Think about it...

Oh Cry Me a River...

Correct me if I'm wrong...we've all been hurt by past relationships in one way or another, right? We live and we learn, right? I, for one, have been hurt by EVERY man who has ever walked into my life (dad, uncle, cousin, ex-boyfriends, etc.) in one way or another. But has that stopped me from living me life? No! Has it made me not want to get close to other people? No! Granted, I may just be one of those people who is able to build a bridge and get over it pretty quickly but why do people hold on to the past? My personal opinion, is that if you hold on to grudges and past relationships that went bad you hinder your future. You could miss out on that amazing pereson who could change your world. All because you don't want to take a chance of getting hurt. If you stop loving, you stop living. If you hold on to all that pain from the past, that means that person that did you wrong still has power over you. Simple as that. Do you really want to have that person from your past having a hold over you, preventing you from moving on?

Just some food for thought. Don't lean on the past like a crutch or let it be an excuse not to move on. If you do, you're going to miss out on the good things and the good people that life has in store for you.

But again, this is all my own opinion.

Reason for the Season

As a society, I think we have lost sight of what the holidays are truly about. It's not about the gifts and how much the gifts cost. It's about spending time with the people you love and who love you. It's about giving not receiving. And it really bothers me that people have forgotten that. Seriously. There are some really shallow and materialistic people out there. Those tangible items can't help you where you're going, buddy!

Ok so, now that we've gotten that out of the way...here's the real reason this is bothering me so much. This guy I'm dating (I would call him my boyfriend but I'm not sure if he is...another blog for another timme), anyway, he told me that he didn't want anything for Christmas. And I asked him for weeks: What do you want? And each time, he would say "I don't want you to buy me anything." And I'm thinking, "Who doesn't want a Christmas gift?" Well, on Saturday I learn the realy reason why. Are you ready for this? It's a doozie! Are you sitting down? Ok...here it goes. Basically, it's because of his ex-girlfriend. She was able to buy him expensive things and I can't. Year #1: Jordans. Year #2: $1,200 cash. Year #3: laptop and printer. And since his Christmas this year won't be like those Christmases he doesn't want anything at all. Unfortunately, I don't think he realizes that money doesn't buy happiness and it sure as hell doesn't buy love. And he should know that because THEY AREN'T TOGETHER ANYMORE! So, I'm listening to him rattle off all the gifts and such and I begin to feel bad. For like 5.2 seconds. Then I realize: That's a personal problem. Where do people get off? Seriously. Why haven't some people learned some of the most valuable life lessons? I tell you one thing though, I'm not interested in teaching anyone life lessons...that's a parents job. Right?

I care about this guy...I really do. But sometimes I feel like a placeholder. I'm just here for the meantime until someone "better" comes along. Someone who is prettier and has more money. But you know the bottomline is this: I'm an amazing, educated wonderful woman with a good heart. I don't need this drama.

I plan on having a very stern, mature talk with this young man this evening. And we'll see...

2008 Reflection...

Today is December 1...December 1?!? Where the hell did the year go? Am I the only one that thinks that 2008 went by way too fast. I almost feel as though I've wasted a year. I mean, in 2007 at least I could say "I graduated from college..." But this year I don't feel like I've done anything spectacular. Yes, I did receive a promotion at work...so? That's really all I have to show for 2008. Sad. I've made some personal progress...I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've learned a lot about other people this year. So I guess I will say 2008 was a year of lessons learned. I learned that people will often disappoint you and fail to live up to your expectations. So, you either accept them for who they are OR kick them off your bus. I've learned that it's okay to say what you want and demand what you deserve. I've learned to put myself first, because if I don't, no one else will. And above all else, I learned that I'm amazing and if people don't realize that and take advantage of my amazingness, then it's their loss.

Here's to 2009...looking forward to what it has in store.