It's not me, it's you

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately...realizing things about myself that I never paid attention to. I've been accused of being intimidating, and rightfully so. I never considered myself to be intimidating or at least not intentionally. When someone told me that, I was I had to take a poll. I couldn 't believe the results. Survey says: Yes, Ashley you are intimidating. ::gasp:: Then, I was like damn, I kinda feel bad that people are intimidated by me. But then, I realized...that's not MY fault. If people were secure in themselves and their abilities then I wouldn't intimidate them. Yes, I have a strong personality and yes there are very few people in this world that I will take shit from but...I don't know. Even though at first I almost took offense, now I see it as a compliment. It means that I'm not one of those people that you can say or do anything you want to. Now, I can see how I'm intimidating to men. I'm smart, attractive, classy...I have a job, all my teeth, etc. So I can see how men could not want to approach me because they can't just say anything to me. I'm not one of those women that responds to "Ay girl" or "Lemme holla at you for a minute." From just looking at me they should be able to tell that I'm not going for that. And I feel bad for those women who have self-esteem low enough to respond to that. My standards are high and I won't apologize for it. Either you come correct or take your moment of silence and keep on walking. But women?! C'mon! Give me a break! For the life of me I cannot understand how I could intimidate another woman. Please...if someone can tell me how I'll give them $5. Seriously?! Is your self-esteem THAT low? Are you not confident in yourself or comfortable in your own skin? Seek professional help...it's called self esteem - esteem of self...I can't help you with that.

Another thing I've discovered about myself is that my patience is very selective. Until about a week ago I considered myself to be a very patient person (i.e. I've put up with a lot of stuff) but there are some things that I just don't have patience for, like stupidity. I believe that there is a such thing as a dumb question. Maybe these people are my test and they are teaching me to grow into a more patient person, which could be my preparation for another phase in my life (marriage, motherhood, etc.) So, I'm trying to keep that in mind because I realized, just recently, that no one comes into your life by accident. Regardless of the situation, there is always something to be learned.

Pray my strength...

And the cycle continues...

Do you believe in generational curses? I'm beginning to believe that they are real. And if so, that would explain so much. Perhaps my failed relationships aren't my fault. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to have a successful relationship. Is that possible? Here's where this is coming from...for the last month or so I've been taking a look at my life and everybody in it. During my observation, I realized that I have not witnessed ONE successful relationship within my family. Not my grandparents (on either side of the family), parents, aunts, uncles, cousins...nobody! Could it be that we're all doomed to unsuccessful relationships and heartache? I'm beginning to think so. I think that my grandparents set this pattern in motion and since none of their children have seen a healthy, successful, loving relationship the cycle continues. Is it possible that since we have never seen a lasting relationship that we don't know how to have one? I think so. I think you repeat what you see, regardless if you are conscious of it or not. It's not very encouraging to see my mother and her siblings who are all 40+ alone and unhappy. Could that be me 20 years from now? Or did they just make the wrong choices, choose the wrong people?

I mean, it would be easy for me to say, "That won't be me!" But what if that is beyond my control? What if it's not in the cards for me? What if my dreams of being a wife and mother never come true? In my heart of hearts, I would like to believe that it's not a curse and that my family members have just made horrible choices, which isn't far from the truth. I don't know. This has just been weighing on my mind lately. If this generational curse is real, I'm SCREWED!

Everybody's a little racist

Friends and Followers,

Let me start this blog by apologizing, in advance, for the ignorant, racist and foolish things that will be included in this blog. It may seem like a rant at times because I am beyond PISSED at this point. So, here it goes!

The got damn durka durka jihad (for all my Team America lovers) has my luggage. I have been without my luggage and all of its precious contents for what? Let's count them...1...2...3...4 DAYS! I'm convinced that the guys in India have them. Every time I call the United Airlines 1-800 # who answers the phone? That kid from Slumdog Millionaire (awesome movie, btw). I don't understand what they are saying and when I asked them to repeat themselves they sound offended! Oh sir! Oh no! The got damn durka durka jihad. I hate them with every once of my being right now. And today, as I was walking through the office cussin' under my breath, one of my co-workers says, "When you're mad at someone try to think of 2 nice things about them. By the time you figure it out, you won't be mad anymore." BULLSHIT! I don't know Salim. I can't think of nice things to say about someone I don't know. Especially, the people who have lost my luggage. My new luggage. The luggage I just got for Christmas. Mmmhmmm. PISSED! All I know is that all of my stuff inside my luggage better be there. Down to the last pair of underwear or there will be hell to pay, I assure you. I just want to talk to an American who speaks good English. For the life of me, I can't understand why they would put someone in a customer sevice position, in AMERICA that does not speak English! Seriously. How is that doing me any good? So frustating...

*steps off of soapbox* PISSED!

How did we get here?

I hate BET...I swear, that one channel will ultimately be the downfall of Black people. And for what? I was watching 106 and Park the other day, not by choice I assure you. And this video came on...what's this? The stanky leg? WTF? And I think to myself when will the ignorant ghettoness end? Who keeps raising THAT glass ceiling? Whoever it is should be shot. Seriously. It seems like every year ignorance increases. And you have to ask yourself: How did we get here? When I saw we, I mean, black people. Historically...how did we get here? I don't understand it. We come from a long line of hardworking, history makers. Who, by the way, are probably turning over in their graves, every time BET airs the "New Joint of the Week". FOOLISHNESS! WE did not come from foolishness, but rather greatness. Why is it that WE keep prepetuating the stereotype? Why can't we want better for ourselves. I realize it's not everyone that behaves foolishly...but you know what they say! A few bad apples spoils the whole bunch. It just frustrates me. How can our history be so meaningful but our present be meaningless?

And why is it still cool to wear your pants so low that your show your Spongebob boxes? And this has not only become true for the young black men but young black women too! These lesbians I swear. And I can talk about them because I live with one. FOOLISHNESS!!! Why would you want to walk out of the house like that? Pants hanging below your ass? Super baggy clothes? And for what? Because you like other women? No...I'm sorry that is not a valid excuse. Ok. I get it! You don't want to dress feminine. I get that. But why does it have to sloppy? You look unkempt. As if you don't live in a $300K home. I'm saying. Look at Ellen Degeneres! She's a lesbian! She doesn't dress extra feminine and yet still identifies as the man in the relationship. Why can't you? It's really a shame. Why would you want to present yourself to the world in such a manner? You think that "this is the way I am and the world should just accept me!" No...no we don't have to accept you. As a matter of a fact, we have EVERY right to shun you and not give you a job. Yes, soley on the way you present yourself.

I can't take it. What has the world come to? Pure foolishness...I can't comply. More to come...

Expectations & Disappointment

So, I was at Quiznos this afternoon reading my new book and there was a passage that says if you don't have expectations you can't be disappointed. Interesting concept, right? But then it got me thinking...Am I not supposed to expect things of people? Am I supposed to just accept the okie doke? My expectations are high...for everyone. Regardless of the fact that they meet them, exceed them or fall short of them. Just because someone refuses to meet the expectations you've set doesn't mean that you should stop setting them. Maybe one day they'll get it and decide to do better. I can't just let people in my life who won't even try to meet the bar. So, here's my advice: If you don't have expectations for people then, you get what you pay for. I think that by expecting certain things/behaviors it teaches others a thing or two. For instance, if a friend says they will call you back and they don't, repeatedly, not just a one time offense...then what? They are deemed a liar, right? Not a true friend, right? People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That's what expectations are! It's what you will and will not accept. I'd much rather have people disappoint me. That may sound weird but it's true. If they disappoint me time and time again I don't need them in my life. Thus, the need for expectations.

I don't care what my book says, I'll keep my expectations. Thanks.

Don't Make ME Look Bad

I have a serious problem with women, especially black women, who come to the office looking a mess. From head to toe. I mean, we all have our off days but that should not be everday. I think that as a woman in corporate America you have to look the part. And as a black woman you have to look even better. You can't walk in the office looking any kind of way. No. I work with a woman who, everyday, comes into the office as if she had given no thought to her outfit. NONE! And she has even admitted that she doesn't care what she wears to work because there's no one to impress. Ok...pause. No one to impress? And she wonders why they don't let her out of the office very often. Your appearance is important. Not only do the outfits defy every fashion rule, they are not age appropriate. You are in your 20's madame not your 50's. My grandmother wouldn't even wear half the stuff she wears. As a black woman in corporate America you have to be that much better. You have to take it a step further than your white counterparts. And why would you want to come out of the house looking a mess? Why? Please explain it to me. What you put on your body is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself and how you want people to view you. So, if you decide (no offense) to wear your hair natural. Cool. But don't walk around looking like Kizzy from "Roots". I, for one, am not a fan of the natural do but who am I to judge?? All I ask is that you don't make me look bad. When one of us looks a mess "we" all look a mess. So, do better. I too am a bargain shopper. But don't buy something just because it's $4.99. Buy it because it's cute and works for you. Just because it comes in your size does not mean you should buy it. Make purchases that flatter your body and not items that make you look frumpy or older than you are. I believe that if you want to move up the corporate ladder you have to dress the part. It's really that simple.

Why Women Love Assholes

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with one of my best friends/future husband (lol) in which he asked me to teach him how to be an asshole. At first I laughed and didn't understand where he was coming from. Then, he explained. He said that every woman he knew is or has been involved with a man who could only be described by one word: asshole. Meaning, he mistreated and/or disrespected the woman in all sorts of ways. And despite the treatment these women still went back for more. In fact, this behavior seemed to make them want him more. And you say, "Why?" He said that he couldn't understand why women did this. This conversation got me thinking. So I said to myself, "Self, am I too guilty of this behavior? Have I had men in my life who did not live up to the standards I thought I had set?"And I had to answer, to both questions, unequivocally, "Yes." I have been guilty of allowing a man to mistreat me. I have been guilty of allowing a man to decide what I deserve. And I wish I could say that it was many many years ago and I've since learned from my mistake. I can't speak for anyone else, but if you agree feel free to chime in, but I personally think that I allowed this behavior because I did not realize my own worth. I didn't realize that I deserve the best. So, I would venture to say that most women feel this way. We settle for less than we deserve because we don't know what we want and therefore can't know what to look for. So, here's my question: when does this vicious cycle stop? I think that as women, we are so afraid of being alone and therefore lower our standards to just accept anything. Ladies, we deserve the best and I don't think that we should continue to be afraid to ask for it. If you want a man to respect you don't let him say or do anything he wants to you. No. That is no longer acceptable.

For me, my main issue has been...WAIT! Before I go into that let me put a disclaimer out there. My issue, while it may be a popular issue among women my age, I am only speaking for myself and am in no way blaming every man for this issue. Here we go...My main issue has been that I have never had a positive male role model in my life growing up. Not to mention, my mom...well...I digress that's for another blog at another time. There was no man in my life to show me (not just tell me) how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Everything I know about men, I've learned myself and often times the hard way. There was no one to show me that a man is supposed to open doors, pull out your chair, help you with your coat and open your car door. I didn't see that...I know NOW that's the way it's supposed to be and I'm still waiting for the man that knows it too. Chivlary is not dead it's just absent, in most men.

We live and we learn people. That's all I can really say. Know what you want and don't be afraid to ask for it. If you meet a guy and he seems too good to be true...he probably is. And if he's telling you everything you want to hear. He's probably lying. Not to say that there aren't amazing guys out there because I'm sure there are, but they are few and far between. If you find him, send him my way. Ladies, ask the hard questions and, most of all, keep your pants on. If anything, that's what I've learned from my past experiences. I can no longer comply with foolishness. If you aren't willing to be the man I need you to be...Good Day Sir! No hard feelings, I just can't have someone in my life who isn't good for me, good to me and has my best interests at heart.

I can be the woman you need but not the girl you're looking for. So, I wish you the best of luck ;-) I will no longer seek but be sought. Think about it...