Reason for the Season

As a society, I think we have lost sight of what the holidays are truly about. It's not about the gifts and how much the gifts cost. It's about spending time with the people you love and who love you. It's about giving not receiving. And it really bothers me that people have forgotten that. Seriously. There are some really shallow and materialistic people out there. Those tangible items can't help you where you're going, buddy!

Ok so, now that we've gotten that out of the way...here's the real reason this is bothering me so much. This guy I'm dating (I would call him my boyfriend but I'm not sure if he is...another blog for another timme), anyway, he told me that he didn't want anything for Christmas. And I asked him for weeks: What do you want? And each time, he would say "I don't want you to buy me anything." And I'm thinking, "Who doesn't want a Christmas gift?" Well, on Saturday I learn the realy reason why. Are you ready for this? It's a doozie! Are you sitting down? Ok...here it goes. Basically, it's because of his ex-girlfriend. She was able to buy him expensive things and I can't. Year #1: Jordans. Year #2: $1,200 cash. Year #3: laptop and printer. And since his Christmas this year won't be like those Christmases he doesn't want anything at all. Unfortunately, I don't think he realizes that money doesn't buy happiness and it sure as hell doesn't buy love. And he should know that because THEY AREN'T TOGETHER ANYMORE! So, I'm listening to him rattle off all the gifts and such and I begin to feel bad. For like 5.2 seconds. Then I realize: That's a personal problem. Where do people get off? Seriously. Why haven't some people learned some of the most valuable life lessons? I tell you one thing though, I'm not interested in teaching anyone life lessons...that's a parents job. Right?

I care about this guy...I really do. But sometimes I feel like a placeholder. I'm just here for the meantime until someone "better" comes along. Someone who is prettier and has more money. But you know the bottomline is this: I'm an amazing, educated wonderful woman with a good heart. I don't need this drama.

I plan on having a very stern, mature talk with this young man this evening. And we'll see...

2008 Reflection...

Today is December 1...December 1?!? Where the hell did the year go? Am I the only one that thinks that 2008 went by way too fast. I almost feel as though I've wasted a year. I mean, in 2007 at least I could say "I graduated from college..." But this year I don't feel like I've done anything spectacular. Yes, I did receive a promotion at work...so? That's really all I have to show for 2008. Sad. I've made some personal progress...I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've learned a lot about other people this year. So I guess I will say 2008 was a year of lessons learned. I learned that people will often disappoint you and fail to live up to your expectations. So, you either accept them for who they are OR kick them off your bus. I've learned that it's okay to say what you want and demand what you deserve. I've learned to put myself first, because if I don't, no one else will. And above all else, I learned that I'm amazing and if people don't realize that and take advantage of my amazingness, then it's their loss.

Here's to 2009...looking forward to what it has in store.

Karma is real...you'll see!

Let me preface this...there are some really close minded, ignorant, selfish assholes in this world.

Ready? Ok!

This weekend I went to Providence. My best friends brother just turned 21 so it was time to partay. Anywhoo...my best friend brought her boyfriend. He wanted to meet the family and stuff, which is cool. They've been dating for nearly a year so it was definitely time to mee the fam. So...we get there and the ENTIRE weekend he may have said 5 sentences...maybe! And was being really standoffish. At first I was like "Ok he's just being shy!" But my Day 2 I was like "Dude you need to perk the fuck up. You're bringing down the room." So ok...that probably didn't help the situation but damn don't be rude. Her family went out of their way to make sure he was comfortable/had everything he needed, etc.

So Sunday *insert drum roll here* he says to my friend, "I'm really uncomfortable...I don't think our families will get along..." Basically what it boils down to is this...he has money and she doesn't. PERIOD! He said that his family was better than hers and how you shouldn't date outside of your class because it will ruin your life. WHAT?!? Where does he get this shit from? Honestly, what does your socioeconomic background have anything to do with who you date. So now, we base our feelings for someone on their bank accounts? That's not love. And up until this point he seemed like the PERFECT guy...every girl's dream. Not anymore.

I find all this out Monday morning as we're preparing to leave and head to the airport. And I'm like "Oh yea?" If this had happened a few years ago...he may not have made it to the airport...at least not without a limp. He is sooo lucky that I have matured into the young woman you see before you. If I hadn't...I might be requesting some bail money. I could not believe it. Oh and get this...he thought that they would stay together after he basically told her she wasn't good enough. Dude! What are you smoking? Oh and she has student loans so that's an indicator of poverty...HELLO! Most Americans have student loan debt...it's the American way! How else was she supposed to go to school.

So at this point I'm pissed beyond measure. I told him in March "You hurt her and I'll fuck you up." Obviously he didn't take me seriously. All day at work this is all I could think about. This and trying to figure out where my Timberlands are. They might have to get put to use again. Craziness. So long story short...karma is going to come back and bite him in the ass. No lie. You can't put that kind of negative energy out into the universe and expect not to get anything back.

I told her you need to have a Waiting to Exhale moment...burn all his stuff. She still has the key to his apartment. Oh yea? That's a bet! Because you know...that's what low class people do! I can't not believe it...and it all happened so fast. What a way to end the weekend.

He will forever be an unhappy person...he will never feel fulfilled with whomever he decides to marry. If you're going to base your love and affection on a dollar sign and some zeros...unacceptable. And to think, this could have all be avoided if he had made it clear that money was his number one factor in choosing a mate. She could have nipped it in the bud MONTHS AGO.

So done...let me find my Timbs and it's OVER! I'm so glad I'm a different person now than I was a few years ago. I can't say that I'd be civil or mature about the situation.

Riddle me this Batman...

Since when is giving someone TWO MONTHS notice being inconsiderate? Please tell me. I'm soooo soooo soooooo tired of people giving me the okie doke. I honestly think that people take my niceness and desire to be liked for weakness. Please don't get it twisted! While I am a very nice person (I think) and I do like for people to like me I am not weak, by anymeans and I will cuss your ass out in a heart beat...and I mean that in the most sisterliest sisterly way. People please stop testing me. Folks won't be satisfied until... well let's not find out...okay?

Good day!

Do you really not love me anymore?

Alright...I haven't blogged in a MINUTE!!! Too much to say and not enough time to explore every detail. So, here we go... I get a phone call from my ex last night. I didn't answer because I didn't think I was mature enough to handle the conversation. I was hoping he'd leave a message but when he didn't I said to myself "Self, don't be a bitch...call him back." So I did. And he picks on the phone, on the VERY last ring, sounding all kinds of depressed. He sounded like someone (maybe me) had just slapped his mama and killed his puppy. So the conversation lasted all of 1 minute and 2 seconds (according to the call timer). He didn't have much to say it was basically hey how you doing, etc. So we hung up. I get a TEXT MESSAGE about 15 minutes later saying "Do you really not love me anymore?" And to myself I'm thinking "Here we go..." To which I responded "I will always have feelings for you...that's natural after being with someone for 3 years. But am I in love with you? No. Is that what you called me for?" "Yes and to hear your voice." "Why didn't you just say that?" "Because I knew my emotions would get the best of me and I'd end up begging you to come back." Ok while I feel bad and I know this sucks for him it is what is because it's the way it has to be. I told him that I was sorry and that it was okay (haha as if he needed my permission) to hate me. Yo! Hypothetically, if I did take him back (which I wouldn't) what would be different? NOTHING! We would still not have anything in common, he would still not have a car, job, vision, etc. So where does that leave me? In the exact same place as a few weeks ago. So no...I'm sorry! I'm done putting other people and their feelings before my own.

When he is ready to a MATURE conversation about why things didn't work...we can do that. But until then don't call my phone sounding like someone shot your puppy. For real, if you're going to be depresseed, be depressed on your own. Don't drag others in it with you. That's not fair.

And it was sooo irritating to me. You call me and have nothing to say but can say everything thru text message. I mean, on the one hand I get it! You didn't want to boo hoo on the phone but on the other hand BE A MAN! Damn!

Oh and sadly, my life with him fit nicely in a Nike shoe box that is currently under my bed. HUGE STEP!

So here we are...

What to do with...all this stuff?

Ok...so the break up has happened...it's official. So what do I do with all his stuff? The movies, the clothes... Yesterday I brought myself to throw away his toothbrush. That was tough. But I did it. But what about the cards, pictures...? Do I just put the in a box and shove it under my bed? Do I just throw them away? WHAT? I strongly doubt I could bring myself to throw the stuff away. And I can't do it all at once either. Throwing the toothbrush away was a big step for me. Because this break up has been hard. No lie. Not a day goes by that I don't want to call, text, email. Not one day. Whoever said it gets easier LIED. Or at least I haven't gotten to that point yet. Getting together is easy, but breaking up is hard...so hard.

Doing what's best doesn't always feel good

When will it stop? *screams loudly* Ugh... I hate that feeling of regret. As if I've made the biggest mistake of my life. You know that feeling at the bottom of your stomach that says "Something's not right here!" Or when you feel something (or someone in this case) tugging at your heartstrings.

While I know the decision I made is what's best for me right now I just don't like feeling like this. The first few days were fine but now I'm second guessing myself. Dammit... I love him. There's no denying that... so why can't he hurry up and be the man I need him to be? Am I wrong? I mean, I know you're thinking, "Ashley it takes time." Well dammit, how much longer? I want so bad to call him and tell him how sorry I am but I know that would not be appropriate. I still want him in my life but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to speak to me right now.

This is going to be the longest weekend EVER! Ugh! I hate this emotional rollercoaster!!! I want off this ride...NOW!