Lacking purpose

Yesterday, as I finished yet another book while getting paid to do so, I asked (more like scolded) myself "What are you doing?" As I looked up and stared into space, at my inner self I suppose, tears stung my eyes and I realized that this is no way to live. I should not be able to get paid to Facebook, Gchat and tweet all day. I know some of you may say, "That sounds awesome." And it was. But now it's annoyingly devastating. I dread going to work every day. Even though I get to travel the country and see all these difference places it no longer matters. The thrill is gone. I'm merely exisiting in this place, this rut that I've found myself in. Complacency has captured me and taken me hostage.


You ever get the feeling that your time and talent are being wasted? Like your current situation sucks so bad that you can't see a way around it? Well, I'm there. Then, today I was reading the September issue of Real Simple and they interviewed five successful people and one of them said "do something you're passionate about" or something like that. And then it hit me, I'm not passionate about what I'm doing professionally and a part of me wonders if I ever was. On the one hand I think "welcome to the rest of your life" but a large part of me wants, needs, deserves more. It's not healthy to wake up each day without a purpose. I go into work, usually late these days, sit at my desk and think about who I can text to pass the time. What should I tweet next? What should my next Facebook status be? That's no way to live! Frankly, I'm wasting my time and my employers money.


I know I should be thankful to have a job and the ability to pay my bills and I am but at what cost? It's not healthy to wake up each day and have to fight myself each step of the way (from the bed to the shower, from the shower to the closet to pick out an outfit that hopefully matches, bedroom to the car and then convince myself to actually get out of the car and into the office building). Unless you're not convinced already I'm telling you this is no way to live. There's so many things I want to do and there's no reason I shouldn't chase my dreams. I can't keep leaning on my fear of student loan debt. I've already got $70K what's a few thousand more? I want to write a book. I want to go to law school. So today I've decided that enough is enough. Upon my return from Spokane, WA (right, another trip in the middle of nowhere), I'm going to start studying for the LSAT. It's always been my dream to go to law school and I've let my financial and professional situation shadow that dream. All I want is to wake up each day and feel like I have a purpose. Like I'm passionate about...something, anything.

*chuckling to myself* I revealed (told on myself) a lot in this one blog. 3 days before my 25th birthday and this is where I find myself. *shrug* Que sera sera, friends.

And as always, thanks for reading.