Expectations & Disappointment

So, I was at Quiznos this afternoon reading my new book and there was a passage that says if you don't have expectations you can't be disappointed. Interesting concept, right? But then it got me thinking...Am I not supposed to expect things of people? Am I supposed to just accept the okie doke? My expectations are high...for everyone. Regardless of the fact that they meet them, exceed them or fall short of them. Just because someone refuses to meet the expectations you've set doesn't mean that you should stop setting them. Maybe one day they'll get it and decide to do better. I can't just let people in my life who won't even try to meet the bar. So, here's my advice: If you don't have expectations for people then, you get what you pay for. I think that by expecting certain things/behaviors it teaches others a thing or two. For instance, if a friend says they will call you back and they don't, repeatedly, not just a one time offense...then what? They are deemed a liar, right? Not a true friend, right? People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. That's what expectations are! It's what you will and will not accept. I'd much rather have people disappoint me. That may sound weird but it's true. If they disappoint me time and time again I don't need them in my life. Thus, the need for expectations.

I don't care what my book says, I'll keep my expectations. Thanks.

Don't Make ME Look Bad

I have a serious problem with women, especially black women, who come to the office looking a mess. From head to toe. I mean, we all have our off days but that should not be everday. I think that as a woman in corporate America you have to look the part. And as a black woman you have to look even better. You can't walk in the office looking any kind of way. No. I work with a woman who, everyday, comes into the office as if she had given no thought to her outfit. NONE! And she has even admitted that she doesn't care what she wears to work because there's no one to impress. Ok...pause. No one to impress? And she wonders why they don't let her out of the office very often. Your appearance is important. Not only do the outfits defy every fashion rule, they are not age appropriate. You are in your 20's madame not your 50's. My grandmother wouldn't even wear half the stuff she wears. As a black woman in corporate America you have to be that much better. You have to take it a step further than your white counterparts. And why would you want to come out of the house looking a mess? Why? Please explain it to me. What you put on your body is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself and how you want people to view you. So, if you decide (no offense) to wear your hair natural. Cool. But don't walk around looking like Kizzy from "Roots". I, for one, am not a fan of the natural do but who am I to judge?? All I ask is that you don't make me look bad. When one of us looks a mess "we" all look a mess. So, do better. I too am a bargain shopper. But don't buy something just because it's $4.99. Buy it because it's cute and works for you. Just because it comes in your size does not mean you should buy it. Make purchases that flatter your body and not items that make you look frumpy or older than you are. I believe that if you want to move up the corporate ladder you have to dress the part. It's really that simple.

Why Women Love Assholes

A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with one of my best friends/future husband (lol) in which he asked me to teach him how to be an asshole. At first I laughed and didn't understand where he was coming from. Then, he explained. He said that every woman he knew is or has been involved with a man who could only be described by one word: asshole. Meaning, he mistreated and/or disrespected the woman in all sorts of ways. And despite the treatment these women still went back for more. In fact, this behavior seemed to make them want him more. And you say, "Why?" He said that he couldn't understand why women did this. This conversation got me thinking. So I said to myself, "Self, am I too guilty of this behavior? Have I had men in my life who did not live up to the standards I thought I had set?"And I had to answer, to both questions, unequivocally, "Yes." I have been guilty of allowing a man to mistreat me. I have been guilty of allowing a man to decide what I deserve. And I wish I could say that it was many many years ago and I've since learned from my mistake. I can't speak for anyone else, but if you agree feel free to chime in, but I personally think that I allowed this behavior because I did not realize my own worth. I didn't realize that I deserve the best. So, I would venture to say that most women feel this way. We settle for less than we deserve because we don't know what we want and therefore can't know what to look for. So, here's my question: when does this vicious cycle stop? I think that as women, we are so afraid of being alone and therefore lower our standards to just accept anything. Ladies, we deserve the best and I don't think that we should continue to be afraid to ask for it. If you want a man to respect you don't let him say or do anything he wants to you. No. That is no longer acceptable.

For me, my main issue has been...WAIT! Before I go into that let me put a disclaimer out there. My issue, while it may be a popular issue among women my age, I am only speaking for myself and am in no way blaming every man for this issue. Here we go...My main issue has been that I have never had a positive male role model in my life growing up. Not to mention, my mom...well...I digress that's for another blog at another time. There was no man in my life to show me (not just tell me) how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Everything I know about men, I've learned myself and often times the hard way. There was no one to show me that a man is supposed to open doors, pull out your chair, help you with your coat and open your car door. I didn't see that...I know NOW that's the way it's supposed to be and I'm still waiting for the man that knows it too. Chivlary is not dead it's just absent, in most men.

We live and we learn people. That's all I can really say. Know what you want and don't be afraid to ask for it. If you meet a guy and he seems too good to be true...he probably is. And if he's telling you everything you want to hear. He's probably lying. Not to say that there aren't amazing guys out there because I'm sure there are, but they are few and far between. If you find him, send him my way. Ladies, ask the hard questions and, most of all, keep your pants on. If anything, that's what I've learned from my past experiences. I can no longer comply with foolishness. If you aren't willing to be the man I need you to be...Good Day Sir! No hard feelings, I just can't have someone in my life who isn't good for me, good to me and has my best interests at heart.

I can be the woman you need but not the girl you're looking for. So, I wish you the best of luck ;-) I will no longer seek but be sought. Think about it...