Reason for the Season

As a society, I think we have lost sight of what the holidays are truly about. It's not about the gifts and how much the gifts cost. It's about spending time with the people you love and who love you. It's about giving not receiving. And it really bothers me that people have forgotten that. Seriously. There are some really shallow and materialistic people out there. Those tangible items can't help you where you're going, buddy!

Ok so, now that we've gotten that out of the way...here's the real reason this is bothering me so much. This guy I'm dating (I would call him my boyfriend but I'm not sure if he is...another blog for another timme), anyway, he told me that he didn't want anything for Christmas. And I asked him for weeks: What do you want? And each time, he would say "I don't want you to buy me anything." And I'm thinking, "Who doesn't want a Christmas gift?" Well, on Saturday I learn the realy reason why. Are you ready for this? It's a doozie! Are you sitting down? Ok...here it goes. Basically, it's because of his ex-girlfriend. She was able to buy him expensive things and I can't. Year #1: Jordans. Year #2: $1,200 cash. Year #3: laptop and printer. And since his Christmas this year won't be like those Christmases he doesn't want anything at all. Unfortunately, I don't think he realizes that money doesn't buy happiness and it sure as hell doesn't buy love. And he should know that because THEY AREN'T TOGETHER ANYMORE! So, I'm listening to him rattle off all the gifts and such and I begin to feel bad. For like 5.2 seconds. Then I realize: That's a personal problem. Where do people get off? Seriously. Why haven't some people learned some of the most valuable life lessons? I tell you one thing though, I'm not interested in teaching anyone life lessons...that's a parents job. Right?

I care about this guy...I really do. But sometimes I feel like a placeholder. I'm just here for the meantime until someone "better" comes along. Someone who is prettier and has more money. But you know the bottomline is this: I'm an amazing, educated wonderful woman with a good heart. I don't need this drama.

I plan on having a very stern, mature talk with this young man this evening. And we'll see...

2008 Reflection...

Today is December 1...December 1?!? Where the hell did the year go? Am I the only one that thinks that 2008 went by way too fast. I almost feel as though I've wasted a year. I mean, in 2007 at least I could say "I graduated from college..." But this year I don't feel like I've done anything spectacular. Yes, I did receive a promotion at work...so? That's really all I have to show for 2008. Sad. I've made some personal progress...I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've learned a lot about other people this year. So I guess I will say 2008 was a year of lessons learned. I learned that people will often disappoint you and fail to live up to your expectations. So, you either accept them for who they are OR kick them off your bus. I've learned that it's okay to say what you want and demand what you deserve. I've learned to put myself first, because if I don't, no one else will. And above all else, I learned that I'm amazing and if people don't realize that and take advantage of my amazingness, then it's their loss.

Here's to 2009...looking forward to what it has in store.

Karma is real...you'll see!

Let me preface this...there are some really close minded, ignorant, selfish assholes in this world.

Ready? Ok!

This weekend I went to Providence. My best friends brother just turned 21 so it was time to partay. Anywhoo...my best friend brought her boyfriend. He wanted to meet the family and stuff, which is cool. They've been dating for nearly a year so it was definitely time to mee the fam. So...we get there and the ENTIRE weekend he may have said 5 sentences...maybe! And was being really standoffish. At first I was like "Ok he's just being shy!" But my Day 2 I was like "Dude you need to perk the fuck up. You're bringing down the room." So ok...that probably didn't help the situation but damn don't be rude. Her family went out of their way to make sure he was comfortable/had everything he needed, etc.

So Sunday *insert drum roll here* he says to my friend, "I'm really uncomfortable...I don't think our families will get along..." Basically what it boils down to is this...he has money and she doesn't. PERIOD! He said that his family was better than hers and how you shouldn't date outside of your class because it will ruin your life. WHAT?!? Where does he get this shit from? Honestly, what does your socioeconomic background have anything to do with who you date. So now, we base our feelings for someone on their bank accounts? That's not love. And up until this point he seemed like the PERFECT guy...every girl's dream. Not anymore.

I find all this out Monday morning as we're preparing to leave and head to the airport. And I'm like "Oh yea?" If this had happened a few years ago...he may not have made it to the airport...at least not without a limp. He is sooo lucky that I have matured into the young woman you see before you. If I hadn't...I might be requesting some bail money. I could not believe it. Oh and get this...he thought that they would stay together after he basically told her she wasn't good enough. Dude! What are you smoking? Oh and she has student loans so that's an indicator of poverty...HELLO! Most Americans have student loan debt...it's the American way! How else was she supposed to go to school.

So at this point I'm pissed beyond measure. I told him in March "You hurt her and I'll fuck you up." Obviously he didn't take me seriously. All day at work this is all I could think about. This and trying to figure out where my Timberlands are. They might have to get put to use again. Craziness. So long story short...karma is going to come back and bite him in the ass. No lie. You can't put that kind of negative energy out into the universe and expect not to get anything back.

I told her you need to have a Waiting to Exhale moment...burn all his stuff. She still has the key to his apartment. Oh yea? That's a bet! Because you know...that's what low class people do! I can't not believe it...and it all happened so fast. What a way to end the weekend.

He will forever be an unhappy person...he will never feel fulfilled with whomever he decides to marry. If you're going to base your love and affection on a dollar sign and some zeros...unacceptable. And to think, this could have all be avoided if he had made it clear that money was his number one factor in choosing a mate. She could have nipped it in the bud MONTHS AGO.

So done...let me find my Timbs and it's OVER! I'm so glad I'm a different person now than I was a few years ago. I can't say that I'd be civil or mature about the situation.

Riddle me this Batman...

Since when is giving someone TWO MONTHS notice being inconsiderate? Please tell me. I'm soooo soooo soooooo tired of people giving me the okie doke. I honestly think that people take my niceness and desire to be liked for weakness. Please don't get it twisted! While I am a very nice person (I think) and I do like for people to like me I am not weak, by anymeans and I will cuss your ass out in a heart beat...and I mean that in the most sisterliest sisterly way. People please stop testing me. Folks won't be satisfied until... well let's not find out...okay?

Good day!

Do you really not love me anymore?

Alright...I haven't blogged in a MINUTE!!! Too much to say and not enough time to explore every detail. So, here we go... I get a phone call from my ex last night. I didn't answer because I didn't think I was mature enough to handle the conversation. I was hoping he'd leave a message but when he didn't I said to myself "Self, don't be a bitch...call him back." So I did. And he picks on the phone, on the VERY last ring, sounding all kinds of depressed. He sounded like someone (maybe me) had just slapped his mama and killed his puppy. So the conversation lasted all of 1 minute and 2 seconds (according to the call timer). He didn't have much to say it was basically hey how you doing, etc. So we hung up. I get a TEXT MESSAGE about 15 minutes later saying "Do you really not love me anymore?" And to myself I'm thinking "Here we go..." To which I responded "I will always have feelings for you...that's natural after being with someone for 3 years. But am I in love with you? No. Is that what you called me for?" "Yes and to hear your voice." "Why didn't you just say that?" "Because I knew my emotions would get the best of me and I'd end up begging you to come back." Ok while I feel bad and I know this sucks for him it is what is because it's the way it has to be. I told him that I was sorry and that it was okay (haha as if he needed my permission) to hate me. Yo! Hypothetically, if I did take him back (which I wouldn't) what would be different? NOTHING! We would still not have anything in common, he would still not have a car, job, vision, etc. So where does that leave me? In the exact same place as a few weeks ago. So no...I'm sorry! I'm done putting other people and their feelings before my own.

When he is ready to a MATURE conversation about why things didn't work...we can do that. But until then don't call my phone sounding like someone shot your puppy. For real, if you're going to be depresseed, be depressed on your own. Don't drag others in it with you. That's not fair.

And it was sooo irritating to me. You call me and have nothing to say but can say everything thru text message. I mean, on the one hand I get it! You didn't want to boo hoo on the phone but on the other hand BE A MAN! Damn!

Oh and sadly, my life with him fit nicely in a Nike shoe box that is currently under my bed. HUGE STEP!

So here we are...

What to do with...all this stuff?

Ok...so the break up has happened...it's official. So what do I do with all his stuff? The movies, the clothes... Yesterday I brought myself to throw away his toothbrush. That was tough. But I did it. But what about the cards, pictures...? Do I just put the in a box and shove it under my bed? Do I just throw them away? WHAT? I strongly doubt I could bring myself to throw the stuff away. And I can't do it all at once either. Throwing the toothbrush away was a big step for me. Because this break up has been hard. No lie. Not a day goes by that I don't want to call, text, email. Not one day. Whoever said it gets easier LIED. Or at least I haven't gotten to that point yet. Getting together is easy, but breaking up is hard...so hard.

Doing what's best doesn't always feel good

When will it stop? *screams loudly* Ugh... I hate that feeling of regret. As if I've made the biggest mistake of my life. You know that feeling at the bottom of your stomach that says "Something's not right here!" Or when you feel something (or someone in this case) tugging at your heartstrings.

While I know the decision I made is what's best for me right now I just don't like feeling like this. The first few days were fine but now I'm second guessing myself. Dammit... I love him. There's no denying that... so why can't he hurry up and be the man I need him to be? Am I wrong? I mean, I know you're thinking, "Ashley it takes time." Well dammit, how much longer? I want so bad to call him and tell him how sorry I am but I know that would not be appropriate. I still want him in my life but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to speak to me right now.

This is going to be the longest weekend EVER! Ugh! I hate this emotional rollercoaster!!! I want off this ride...NOW!

Day One

So, I've been a little hesitant to blog about this but here goes nothing. Today marked the day that I ended a 3 year relationship. I can't believe I actually did it. While I feel...relieved. I also feel guilty. Guilty because I should have done it sooner. Guilty because I hurt him. Guilty because I love him...still. Guilty because I did something for myself...finally. Is that weird? I mean, I know this is best...for me. But why do I feel so bad? How long will it be before I don't feel horrible? I feel horrible about putting myself first...wow.

It's weird though. I never thought I'd feel this way. When I told my best friend she said, "Well...you're a free woman now." Free? From what? It won't stop me from thinking about him. Wondering what he's doing...who he's with...if he's thinking about me.

Needless to say...it's going to take time. So let's mark this day one. Day one of healing...Day one of putting me first. Day one of learning the virtue of patience.

Dear Mr. McCain

*Disclaimer: I know I'm late but I haven't been near a computer all weekend*

You asshole! How DARE you think that by choosing a woman as your running mate you have this election in the bag? Do you really think that we are just that dumb? Yes, I am a Hillary Clinton supporter. I and other Clinton supporters did not just vote for A woman we voted for THAT woman. And just some other nobody with a vagina from Alaska will just not do. I personally am offended that you would think that by choosing Mrs. Palin as your running mate would get women and Clinton supporters to vote for you. I think it was a slap in the face to all women. That just goes to show how high you value our opinion and what you will do as President if elected. Hopefully we won't have to find out.

PLUS, you chose someone from Alaska who knows nothing! OMG... could you have picked a worse person? And I think she should be offended that you chose her just because of her gender, not based on what she could do in the position as Vice President. She's a smart one.

And how dare you criticize Obama for not being versed in everything? How is she different? My God, she's from ALASKA!!!! The problems that Alaska has are not the same problems the rest of the country has. I mean yes, they have a meth problem but other than that they cannot compare to the rest of the country. Honestly, is Mrs. Palin anymore prepared to handle a crisis than Obama? If anything were to happen to you would she be prepared to take care of business? I think we both know the answer to those questions. NO! Someone should really slap you!

This is going to be really interesting to say the least. But let's be clear Mr. McCain, you are an old bastard. And I can't wait for the polls to prove how the citizens of the U.S of A feel about you! UGH... I'm so annoyed!

That is all...

Dear Mrs. Obama

The speech you gave last night at the DNC was great. I enjoyed all of the things you said about what Barack plans to do for the country. That was great and all but what I loved most of all about your speech was your how you expressed your love for your husband. I mean it literally brought tears to my eyes. I only wish that I will be able to talk about someone like that.

Sincerely,
AM

Just Politics...

Is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about the damn upcoming election. I want it to be over... likes yesterday. McCain's old ass really needs to sit down somewhere. Oh! But I was watching CNN this evening. You know how they are doing 24-hour coverage of the Demoncratic Covention and they have facts scrolling across the bottom. It said that Ronald Reagen was 73 when he was elected President. 73 ya'll???? I could not believe it. Maybe that's why McCain has a chance. And have you seen his commercial trying to get Hillary's supporters to join the other side. Classless! For real... that must mean he's scared. But there are some Hillary supporters who have said they will vote for McCain since she isn't the Democratic nominee. Ridiculous! Who does that? Just vote with the party! I plan on it! I'm gonna vote for Barack and Biden but I won't be happy about it, that's for sure. I just hope he wins. But let's ponder for a second...just a second... what if he doesn't win? Then what? What will all those supports do with all those t-shirts? Barack the vote! For real... if he doesn't win...man oh man it will be one helluva 4 years. Not sure I can take it. I think there might be a riot. Black people will be some kinda mad. I can hear them now "This is BULLS*&t!" Uh oh... let's hope for the best though! I would hate for this all to end up in the history books as the Riot of 2008.

And what's this... Ted Kennedy is at the Convention? He is battling cancer! CNN said that he told his family that he was going... of course the thought it a bad idea and he says "Well you don't have to go with me!" WHAT? That's dedication. They say that he has the power to unite the party. We'll see... the democratic party could use a little koombya right now.

An ephiphany...

So...I was thinking today. What went wrong? It was fun in the beginning. Ooo I know what happened!!! I grew up and he didn't. I graduated from college, got a job, etc. He didn't. All of that is minor compared to the real reason is *drum roll please* I did not make my standards and requirements clear in the beginning. I never said I want X, Y and Z and you must do A, B, C. I never said that. If a man doesn't know what you want and what you require how is he expected to know. I suppose, I'm part to blame for this.

I also realized that in the past I have settled. Every guy I've ever been in a relationship with liked me first... it was never a mutual attraction. I mean for the most part I eventually liked them, had feelings for them, etc. So I've had this pattern of settling. And I guess I did it just so I can say "At least I have a man!" But at what cost?

I need to learn patience. I need to wait for the man that is meant for me. Who knows when that will be. It could be a matter of weeks, months or years. I will wait... I have to wait. I deserve the best. I just need someone else to realize it too.

It's time to put myself first... If I don't, no one else will.

Obama/Biden Democratic Ticket

My mom says that Biden looks like a redneck racist in a suit... uh oh! The Barack fans are now torn. Hmmm he shoulda just picked Hillary... that's all I'm gonna say about that!

Goodnight!

Dammit!

Army Wives is a repeat???? WTF?!? What am I supposed to do now? HUH?

The end is near...

Is it normal to know when a relationship has ended? Is it sad that you can pinpoint the exact moment you noticed the decline? Well... I'm there. Unfortunately for him, he has no idea. I think he is oblivious to the fact that it's over. Our conversations couldn't be more dull. I think I have just come to realization that we are not compatible. Granted... I knew that from day one. I knew that we were complete and total opposites. We have NOTHING in common, besides our greek affiliation and some music. So sad... I've just gotten to the point where I'm tired of waiting for him. Tired of being put on the back burner. Tired of putting my own happiness aside because it makes him happy. I'm done. I can no longer ignore the fact that I'm unhappy, that we have nothing in common. It just doesn't make sense.

Wanna know how I knew it was over? The very day? The very conversation? Well it went a little something like this:
Him: You know I've been thinking that maybe I'm not the man for you.
Me: Well do you want to be the man for me
Him: It's not about what I want

So after that conversation I had my "aha moment". I had never thought about it like that before. I mean I knew we were different and all that but never had I thought that he could possibly not be the man for me. Hmmm what a concept! Needless to say from then on I just started noticing stuff. I was noticing things about him that I could not live with. For instance, I think it's rude to RSVP to go to a wedding, decide you're not going, don't call the couple to let them know you won't be able to make it and go to the Philly Greek Picnic instead? WTF? I would never do that. He just doesn't see the big deal about stuff like that. But I do. He thinks that his actions only impact him. Nooooo sorry! That's not the way it works homie. Not to mention, we've been dating for a little over 3 years now. I should KNOW by now if he's the man I will spend the rest of my life with. And unfortunately (for him) I don't feel that way. There are things that I'm looking for in a potential spouse that he does not possess, which sucks because... i love him... i do. But I've come to the point where love is not enough. I need compansionship, compatibility, stability, etc. I have to learn to be me first from here on out. I can't continue to live for other people. If I do, I miss out... and we can't have that.

So unfortunately, the end is near... my birthday is Thursday and this sucks. The end!

I must be growing up...

Yesterday, I had a very mature moment. A moment that I have been reflecting on all day because I am in utter shock. Ok now, you probably are saying "What could it be?" Well I'll tell you. I defended my father. WHAT?!? I was shocked by the things that were coming out of mouth. So wait, let me back up. My parents have been separated since I was 12 years old, I'm 22 now. My father and I have never been close. But we've never not gotten along. If that makes sense. He has not been the best father. He refused to assist with funding my college education, etc. The list could go on and on. I mean I realize he doesn't have a whole lot of money but he never sent me a red cent while I was in school, unless it was my birthday. I know you're thinking, "Well damn, at least you got that much. There are people who don't even know who their fathers are." Well that's my point exactly. I do know my father and I think he should take an active role in my life and...but I digress. Moving on...Yesterday, I mentioned to my sister that I was planning on having breakfast with my dad on Sunday (Father's Day). She then informed me that she was not going. She even went so far as to say she hated him. She ignores his phone calls. But you know what? I digress again... if I get on my tangent about my sister and her many issues we would be here all day. Anyway, after listening to her most recent rant about what he isn't and what he hasn't done for her...blah blah blah. I said "Sometimes you have to accept people for who they are." WHAT?!? I mean we all know he hasn't been the best dad but he is out father nonetheless. Isn't it one of the comandments "honor thy mother and father". I try really hard to do this even though sometimes they make it so hard. I should be bitter...I should be angry. And I think I used to be. But lately I've come to realize that people will often disappoint you. People will often not be who you think they should be. Not everyone will live up to their full potential and your expectations. But like it or not, you have to accept them for who they are. Who they are, is who they want to be. We can't always have our way. And I'll be the first to admit that I'm one of those people that always wants it her way or the highway. But it is what it is.

Maturity is an option... but it's one I choose.

To all my Hillary Clinton fans...

Ok so by now everyone knows that Barack Obama has been chosen to be the democratic nominee. Congrats Barack! You fought a good fight and not to mention you're black!

Now that we have gotten that out of the way. It is not over for Hillary... it can't be. How can someone get the popular vote and not be chosen to be the nominee? You know what this says to me? It means that we will have another 4 years of a republican in the White House. Sad but so true. There's a reason why Barack didn't get the popular vote. Hello! He's inexperienced! And he's black! Ok I'm sorta kidding about that last one...sort of. With that said, when McCain wins the election in November I will be ordering a bunch of bumper stickers that will read: Don't blame me! I voted for Hillary! Let me know if you want one!

The next few months are going to be VERY interesting. Good luck to both of the candidates! Let the "best" man win!

...packing my bags to move to Canada and I need a roomate. Any takers?

UGH... This should be easier!

Relationships are hard, but when two people are on opposite sides of the spectrum it makes it even harder. Harder than it should be. Is this normal? Is it okay to feel like you have less and less in common? I'm not sure...

But what I do know is that I would not take hot dogs to a cookout without the buns! That's just rude! You'll have all these hotdogs and no buns! I don't know about you but I like a bun with my hotdog! That's just one example. It may just be that I'm a woman and he's a man. And I realize that people with my personality always think we're right. It's because WE ARE! And if everyone just did it our way the world would be a better place.

That translates to realtionships too. We would be a lot happier if you were willing to see things my way. I just feel like the longer you stay with someone the more flaws and differences you see. I feel like if we're arguing about bringing hot dogs we'll argue about EVERYTHING in the future.

Bottomline... I'm scared. The differences scare me. And, this will sound horrible, but I feel trapped. I tried to "get some space" and he was very persistent. And I know it's because he loves me but what if these are signs saying "You're not meant to be! Give it up" Scared isn't the word...terrified is more like it. I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life (marriage and beyond). It also doesn't help that I feel like I can't get out. Partly because I love him and I don't want to get out and part of me feels like we've stuck it out this long why not keep going? Ok so that's not a good reason, I get that.

I guess what the problem is I need more from him. Get a job, some benefits... give me a bit of security. Make me believe that it's going to be okay. Our differences don't matter.

Lesson of the day: Don't bring hotdogs without the buns to a cookout!

BREAKING NEWS...

I did NOT vote for Barack Obama! There I said it... now you know my dirty little secret! If given the opportunity to vote again I would NOT vote for Barak Obama. You're probably wondering why I didn't vote for Barack Obama. Is it because I don't like change? No. Is it because he's black? No. Is it because he doesn't know what the hell he's doing? YES! ABSOLUTELY 100% YES! Sorry folks... it's the reality of the situation. I think that he has a lot of good ideas but no real plan or experience on how to implement these plans. He sings a good song, but can he really dance a good dance? Not sure... we'll find out won't we.

I am so tired of people telling me to vote for him because he's black. So? Because I'm black I'm supposed to vote for everyone that is black? C'mon support your people, they say. WHATEVER! If I don't feel like you can do the job, why would I vote for you. What does that have to do with anything? Although many people (WV, PA, etc) didn't vote for him because he's black. Sadly, I must say that it really doesn't matter who wins the nomination. We may just end up with another Republican. I don't know about you but I'm moving to Canada!

Good Day...